I am absolutely blown away by your latest album Real Life!

Jerry

…there is a common thread of your life story moving throughout each song

Tony

Your CD is amazing! … The sound is terrific, the instrumentation sounds top-notch.  Listening to it requires more than listening; it requires thought and even a little meditation, as the words are so engaging …Thanks for letting me and the rest of the world in like that.

Lynn

Your way of singing your thoughts, sometimes just listing them, is an unmistakable signature.

Bob

This record is incredible! 

Ryan

Songs: Lee (all written in 2020)
“Life is Unreal”: Ahren & Lee
Arrangements: Lee & Ahren
Recording: Mount Vesuvius Studios
Musicians:
Lee Chapman: Vocals, Guitar
Ahren Buchheister: (many)
Nick Bertling: Drums
Noah Bein: Organ
Seth Kibel: Flute, Clarinet, Tenor Sax
Josh Lilly: Piano
Frank Russo: Drums
Robert Green: Hurdy-Gurdy
Mike Noonan: Trombone


Stream the full album here

or selected songs with commentary and lyrics below:

Unreal Life – Lee Chapman – Full Album

Tell Me I’m Sexy (2020) :
The spoken introduction explains where the idea came from. I’m not sure that’s a good idea, but the song already had a long, weird instrumental introduction and I thought it might be a bit more palatable if there were some words going on at the same time.

This is another one of those songs where people will assume it’s me talking about me. Even I thought that just now when I was listening to it. But it’s not me, it’s a character: a clueless straight guy who insults women. Of course people will listen to this and think I’m insulting women. No, this is me making fun of a clueless guy who insults women.

Ahren Buchheister: Bass Guitar
Nick Bertling: Drums
Noah Bein: Organ

I read that guys crave compliments.
When they get one they savor it for days, if not years.
By the way, I’m not talking about
“You’re a good guy.”
I’m talking about “You look good.”

I don’t want to hear about 
my great sense of humor.
I don’t want to hear about 
how I’m good with kids.
I don’t wanna hear about 
my charming personality
and being such a force for good 
in our community.

I don’t wanna hear 
I’m a nice guy or a good guy. 
I don’t wanna list of the virtues 
I exemplify.
I don’t want to hear about 
my strong and upright character.
Don’t want to hear I am a loving, faithful partner.

    Someone pay me, for once.
    Someone pay me, please.
    Someone pay me a sexy compliment.
    Someone tell me, for once.
    Someone tell me, please.
    Someone tell me I’m sexy.

I don’t want to hear that 
my colleagues value my contributions.
I don’t want to hear that 
I lived up to my parents’ expectations.
I don’t wanna hear how good I am 
at coaching Pee Wee sports.
I wanna hear how good I look 
in gym shorts.

    Someone pay me…
        
I know about guys; 
I know that it’s weird—
but I want a girl to say they like 
the way I trim my beard.
I know about guys and what it implies.
But I want a girl to say they get lost 
in my deep blue eyes,
and dig my studly thighs.

I know I should be tough; 
I know it shouldn’t hurt.
But I just want a girl to want me 
for dessert.
Of course if you have tits, 
and say you love my shirt,
I’ll automatically assume 
you’re trying to flirt.
You flirt!

    Someone pay me…

I don’t want to hear about 
my great sense of humor.
I don’t wanna hear about 
my warm personality.
I wanna be a shallow surface compliment consumer.
Give me some sexy superficiality.

lyrics

Stuck (2021)
I’ve been writing a lot of songs lately, and I worry that I might just be writing the same song over and over even though it doesn’t seem to be the case. But I do find myself falling into certain clichés and I worry that I’m stuck in a musical rut.

It can’t be a coincidence that I wrote this during the Covid pandemic, when we can’t travel and can’t shop and can’t eat out and can’t get together with friends and every day starts to seem the same as every other day.

Bob and I have been watching documentaries about train trips around the world. On every one we hear how incredibly skilled the engineers are. But I’m a little skeptical: after all, they can only go forward and backward. It’s not like they’re helicopter pilots flying in three dimensions: up & down, left & right, forward & backward, not to mention angles. (I used to work for a company that made heads-up displays for pilots. I had a bug in my software that only happened when you were flying down and to the left. So to test things, I’d have to get in the simulator and practically crash the damn thing.)

I love the percussion in the intro.

Ahren Buchheister: Piano, Upright Bass, Vocals
Nick Bertling: Drums
Noah Bein: Organ

I feel
deep down
in my gut
I’m stuck
in a rut
but
I’ll move
out of this groove
I know
I’ll go
I’ll blow this town

But in the meantime
I’m still stuck 
I’m stuck 

    This groove’s
    so smooth
    perfect
    for sliding
    This groove’s
    so deep
    just right
    for hiding

It’s no
zero-
dimensional pit
I can move a bit
Not much
not up
not down
not left and never right
It’s tight
but I fit
I can go forward and backward
But that is it

    I used to fly (three-dimensional)
    and scuba dive (three-dimensional)
    I used to drive (two-dimensional)
    But now somehow I’m stuck 
    in a one-dimensional rut

    in a rut 
    I’m stuck 

It’s hard
My rut
is just so comfortable
but
I’m scared 
My rut
Is inescapable
But

I’m in luck
Could be worse 
could be stuck
In reverse but
Someday
I’ll fly
Away
I know
I’ll go
With no goodbye

But in the meantime
I’m still stuck 
still stuck 
in a rut 

lyrics

You Must Be An Idiot (2020) : I wrote a song about the love of my life called, “You’re Perfect.” In a way this song is a complement to that one. This song is about me being imperfect. Although it’s not literally about me. This guy is just smart enough to realize he doesn’t deserve his perfect mate. And, weirdly, he’s just good enough to tell her so.

This song contains one of my all-time favorite rhymes: “pretty but,” and “idiot.”

Ahren Buchheister: Electric Guitar, Electric Bass
Nick Bertling: Drums
Seth Kibel: Tenor Sax

    If you
    love me
    just the way I am
    then you
    must be
    an idiot.

    Confused?
    Let me
    draw a diagram
    but then
    I’d be
    accused

of being clinical
and overly controlled
and sadly cynical
calculating, cold.

    If you…

We’re not a perfect fit.
Out there are decent guys.
By now you must get it
you must realize

    if you…

Can you not comprehend
I am a bad boyfriend?
You deserve so much more
like rings
and flowers
dancingfor hours
with someone
worth crying for.        

    You’re sweet
    you’re nice
    you’re kind
    you’re pretty but
    I repeat
    my advice
    you are an idiot.

I’m only into me
don’t wanna hold your hand.
How can you possibly
not understand?

    If you...

love me
    just the way I am
    then you
    must be
    my idiot.

lyrics

My Home Town (2020) : When you grow up in a town, and leave as an adult, it’s very strange to visit. You see everything simultaneously through your little kid’s eyes and your grown-up eyes.

For example, the church I grew up attending seemed absolutely vast. I thought it was the biggest in the world, with the possible exception of Saint Peter’s in Rome. When I visit it now, it still seems vast—but at the same time medium-sized.

If you only visit occasionally, changes are magnified. My hometown, Joliet, Illinois, was in serious decline for years. It was then suddenly revived when riverboat gambling came and pumped in tons of money.

All of us kids believed that Joliet used to be Juliet, to go with the nearby town of Romeoville. Supposedly Lincoln visited and suggested they change the name to Joliet, after the French explorer. The story might not be true but I’d rather believe it than find out.

Ahren Buchheister: Piano, Wurlitzer, Bass Guitar, Electric Guitar
Noah Bein: Organ
Nick Bertling: Drums
Jerry Hughes: Additional Arrangement

    My home town’s
    Had ups and downs
    When I was a kid
    It was the universe
    But after I left
    Even my neighborhood
    Went from good
    To bad
    To worse

I wasn’t around
When Lincoln came to my town            
And said we ought to change the name        
But I was there, aged ten            
for JFK                        

Things started to slide
Not only on the east side            
The city fathers put up banners            
Pushing home town pride            
Then downtown died                

    My home town’s…

Klines closed
Goldblatt’s gone
Chicago Street a desert
No more cowboy movie marathon

    Then came the Riverboat casino
    Cheaper than Vegas, closer than Reno
    Impossible municipal fiscal blues
    Were swept away 
    By novel tax revenues

    Curbs got paved
    Ice rinks saved
    Parks revitalized
    Signage modernized
    
But people I knew
Could not resist the bars                
Some even lost their cars, and houses        
And spouses, jobs, and dreams            
To slot machines

lyrics

What Came Between Us (2020) : I was thinking about what kinds of materials can come between two lovers: cotton, denim. And then I started thinking about what other kinds of things can come between people: for example physical distance and disagreements over things like politics and religion. I do worry about using clichés like mothers-in-law, but sometimes it’s fun to enshrine clichés in song.

Ahren Buchheister: Upright Bass, Classical Guitar, Acoustic Guitar
Noah Bein: Organ
Seth Kibel: Flute, Clarinet
Frank Russo: Drums

    What came between us?
    Other than politics, 
    religion and your mother
    What came between us?
    Maybe our mutual disdain 
    for one another

What came between us?
Other than:
nasty words we’ve never said
dinner dates we’ve come to dread
things you'd never do in bed

    What came between us…

What came between us?
Other than:
every cruise and every tour
everything we are and were
cotton, denim, leather, fur

What came between us?
Other than:
thin walls, long halls, midnight calls
elevators, sexy waiters, interstates, double dates
subway, beltway, TSA

    What came between us…

lyrics

Life’s A Cruise (2020) : My family took a cruise around southeast Alaska. I’m a skyscraper and art museum kind of guy, but like everyone else who goes to Alaska I was blown away by the natural beauty.

I’m not a people person, but a cruise gives plenty of opportunities for people- watching. And during this cruise I got the brilliant idea—that no one’s ever had before—that life itself is like a cruise.

Ahren Buchheister: Mandolin, Banjo, Piano, Accordion, Upright Bass
Seth Kibel: Flute
Nick Bertling: Drums
Noah Bein: Organ

    Life’s a cruise
    a luxury cruise
    It’s a luxury cruise
    around Alaska

The food is great,            
the booze too free,            
the lectures intriguing,        
the entertainment deadly.    

Some of us skip lifeboat drill        
(a major no-no);                
some tour the bridge;            
some hit the casino.
            
    Life’s a cruise…

Some bundle up            
and stare all night            
and never see a meteor        
or northern light.            

Some of us chase whales;        
some do our nails.            
Some complain the sky is gray;    
some sight noble birds of prey.        

    Life’s a cruise…

Some of us write journals;        
some observe the sea            
but only during sunsets;            
Others watch TV.            

How does it end?            
Severe GI distress?            
Stuck in my cabin—            
or in the waves’ cold caress? 

lyrics

Regular Guy (2020) : Straight white American males. Regular guys. Guys who are at ease in their own skin. Who expect to be in charge. Who expect to be waited on. I’ve been around them all my life. I envy them. I sort of admire them. I kind of hate them.

Were they born that way? Should I try to be like them? I’m not like them. What’s wrong with me?

Ahren Buchheister: Electric Guitar, Bass Guitar, Synth
Nick Bertling: Drums

    He’s a regular guy:
    not nervous, not shy,
    not worried about
    what people think.
    He does what he wants to do.
    He drinks what he wants to drink.
    He’s black and white, not blue | pink. 

A couple of beers.
At the game he swings and hits the ball,
runs to second base.
He has no fears.

    He’s a regular guy…

A couple of beers.
At the beach he doesn’t carry stuff.
When he wants a towel
one just appears.

    Somebody cooks for him.
    while he’s busy pumping iron 
    at the gym.
    Why?
    Somebody’s washing his underwear
    while he’s watching golf 
    in his reclining chair.
    Why?

    He’s a regular guy…

A couple of beers.
He knows what it means to be a man:
no smile,
no sweat,
no tears.

lyrics

In My Bubble (2020) : I was born into The Midwest middle class. I was the first person in my family to go to college. When I went to grad school, my parents had no idea what that was. But I really took to academia; it seemed like my natural home. I’m a real scholar! At the same time, I’m still that Midwest kid who actually watches TV.

Since I married a college professor, I’ve spent a lot of time at faculty parties and just hobnobbing with intellectuals. The kind who work the following sentence into every conversation: “I don’t even own a TV.” We talk about the books we’ve read and opera singers we loathe.

Fox News viewers aren’t the only people living in a bubble—we have our own bubble. And I felt like teasing us.

Ahren Buchheister: Electric Guitar, Bass Guitar
Nick Bertling: Drums

    In my bubble,
    everyone is really smart;
    we can quote René Descartes!
    In my bubble
    everyone is always right,
    well-to-do, secure, and white.

So sophisticated,
perhaps too highly educated,    
checking out the art scene,
sampling the best post-nouvelle cuisine.

Those who’ve eaten fast food
we consider quite crude;
those who own a television
we condemn with cold derision.

    In my bubble,
    everyone
    is quite correct;
    we know whom you should elect.
    In my bubble
    we are all what we seem:
    erudite, and green, and white.

People in my bubble like math
(some of them anyway).

People in my bubble like opera
(some people, some operas, never Broadway).

People in my bubble
read poetry
out loud
in French
at soirees
(some of them anyways).

    In my bubble,
    there is no need to debate,
    we know which side to advocate.

In my bubble
perplexing problems are posed,
official doctrine imposed;
most minds are closed,

but some of us cause trouble.
We keep thinking,
so my bubble
is shrinking.

lyrics

Smile (2020) : I’m jealous of our cat. I swear my husband loves our cat more than he loves me. He certainly gives the cat bigger smiles.

But that’s too stupid to write a song about, so I changed the cat to a human.

Musically the cool thing in this song is that the full statement of the melody doesn’t occur until the very end. For the lyrics that’s a challenge because all the incomplete statements of the melody include a rhyme even though they’re missing the last line. So the end requires a triple rhyme. But I managed to do a quadruple. That sort of thing can sound ridiculous and fake but I think here it seems natural.

Ahren Buchheister: Piano, Upright Bass
Josh Lilly: Piano
Noah Bein: Organ

Things were better then
I remember when
you’d pretend
to be
happy

Now I’m wide awake
rueing my mistake
you won’t fake
a smile
for me

I’d play with a handicap: black bishop
at giant chess
When doing the Washington Post crossword, you’d let me guess
You twisted my arm to play 
Truth or Dare so I’d confess

Things were simpler then
I remember when
you’d pretend
to be
happy

    You’ve got a
    big bright smile
    for him
    for me
    you dim

    Just like an
    old, cold, star
    being occluded
    by clouds of dust
    I was deluded
    by foolish trust

I’d play with a handicap...

Things were simpler then
I remember when
you’d pretend
to be
happy
to see me

lyrics

There Was A Time (2020) : This is one of my ain’t-I-pathetic songs. Normally at this point I would say it isn’t about me, Lee Chapman, it’s about a character who just happens to have a few things in common with me. But in this song, this character falls in love with a hurdy-gurdy player—I think it might really be about me.

Ahren Buchheister: Electric Guitar, Upright Bass, Pedal Steel, Classical Guitar, Violin, Accordion
Robert Green: Hurdy-Gurdy

    There was a time
    when I knew
    I’d be alone forever.
    That’s just how life would be.
    There was a time
    before you
    I’d settle for whoever 
    would deign to settle for me.

Then some association    
sponsored some event.
You didn’t want to go and yet
you went,
and just like in a movie,
with swelling violins, we met
and formed a classical duet.

    There was a time…

If I had only known 
that there would come a time
when carillons would chime
and hurdy-gurdies drone,
that steady tone would lead me home—
I’d have been
done with dating,
happily waiting
for real life to begin.

    There was a time
    when I knew
    I’d be alone forever.
    That’s just how life would be—
    till I found you
    and you found me.

lyrics

I Can’t Believe (2020) : I’m big on giving proper credit to people. I was recording an old song of mine and saw that I had typed on it “Thanks Dave.” This is my old college buddy Dr. Dave Lipkin, who used to make suggestions for songs in progress. I couldn’t remember exactly what he had contributed to the song, so I called him. Not only did he not remember what he contributed, he didn’t even remember the song.

During our chat he mentioned his favorite song of mine from back then, “I Can’t Believe.” I couldn’t remember it so he actually sang it to me over the phone! It all came back and I decided to record a 2021 version. I dug it out of my files. All I had was a typed lyric sheet with some chords written in. But I remembered the melody. The problem was that some of the lyrics were just embarrassing: even referring to masturbation and ejaculation. So I replaced the embarrassing lyrics, added a chorus, and made lots of little improvements. I added some nice lyrics about the love of my life, my husband Bob. This is good because Bob thinks I’m always dishing him in my songs, and sometimes I am. And sometimes he deserves it. Anyway, now I think it’s a pretty good song.

Ahren Buchheister: Electric Guitar, Electric Bass
Nick Bertling: Drums
Lee Chapman: Acoustic Guitar

I can’t believe I used to be a kid 
I can’t believe it
I can’t believe I used to be a kid

And I can’t believe I used to be a baby 
I can’t believe it
a mewling, drooling, crying, lying baby

No, I can’t believe I was an embryo.
A two-cell, four-cell, eight-cell embryo.
I can’t get over how much I grow 
I can’t believe it although I know
I was a triploblastic embryo.

    I can’t believe
    I can’t believe, believe
    I can’t believe how much we change
    I can’t believe
    I can’t believe, believe
    I can’t believe life is so strange

And  I can’t believe 
I used to be a zygote 
I can’t believe it
a fertilized, eukaryotic zygote

I can’t believe that half of me was once a skinny sperm, [no] 
I can’t believe it
I can’t believe though
science can confirm
that half of me was once 
a microscopic sperm

I refuse to believe 
I shot through some urethra 
I wonder whose unfortunate urethra

    I can’t believe…

I can’t believe I found my perfect mate
Those forty years were not 
too long to wait
I jubilate
I celebrate
that happy date
In no way do I overstate: 
he is my perfect mate
But 
I can’t believe we’re really gonna rot 
I can’t believe it
I just cannot believe someday 
we’re really gonna rot
Well, at least not—in hell

lyrics

Ornaments (2020) : The worst thing about Christmas is assembling the tree and untangling the lights. The best thing, of course, is getting gifts. The second best thing is hanging our ornaments.

We have one from every trip we’ve taken. We have some from our parents and grandparents. We have some that are just ours. I have some I made as a kid and some my dad made.

The most precious thing is one of the ornament hooks my dad made during World War II from coat hangers.

Ahren Buchheister: Upright Bass, Sleigh Bells
Noah Bein: Organ
Josh Lilly: Piano
Lee Chapman: Acoustic Guitar, 12-String Acoustic Guitar
Frank Russo: Drums

    Some are fancy
    Some are plain
    Some rather elegant
    Some mundane
    Our Christmas ornaments
    We love our Christmas ornaments

Some hand-painted 
some are mass-produced 
some cloisonné 
some glass
a couple made in second grade
all glitter and glue

A few survive from sixty-five
when Christmas trees were still alive
but some aluminum 
trimmed in nothing but powder blue

    Some are fancy…

Some from museums, 
some from trips
A couple from grandma, 
none brand-new
Some have dad’s coat hangar hooks
from World War II

Some irresistible to the cat
Some inexplicably flat
Even though it’s plain to see
the tree is 3D

    Some are fancy
    Some are plain
    Some downright decadent
    Some profane
    Our Christmas ornaments
    We love our Christmas ornaments

some cloisonné 
some glass
a couple made in second grade
all glitter and glue

A few survive from sixty-five
when Christmas trees were still alive
but some aluminum 
trimmed in nothing but powder blue

    Some are fancy…

Some from museums, 
some from trips
A couple from grandma, 
none brand-new
Some have dad’s coat hangar hooks
from World War II

Some irresistible to the cat
Some inexplicably flat
Even though it’s plain to see
the tree is 3D

    Some are fancy
    Some are plain
    Some downright decadent
    Some profane
    Our Christmas ornaments
    We love our Christmas ornaments

Each one a memory
Somewhere we’d rather be

lyrics

Someone Else (2020) : From the title one might think this is one of my I’m-a-jerk songs, but it’s not! It’s a you’re-a-jerk song. Probably my only you’re-a-jerk song.

Ahren Buchheister: Piano, Upright Bass, Additional Percussion
Mike Noonan: Trombone
Nick Bertling: Drums
Noah Bein: Organ

    So, sometimes you can stay
    usually not
    We’re living some cliche
    I assume you’ve got
    someone else

    Someone who
    follows your every rule
    Someone who’ll
    always agree with you
    Someone else

    You can stay
    till you go away

I can tell something’s wrong
When grocery runs take too long
Were you two discussing politics
Saw your cars outside the Motel Six

    Someday you’ll realize
    but it’ll be too late
    No need to compromise
    you had found the perfect mate

    one of the good guys
    But he couldn’t wait

I can tell something’s wrong…

    Someday you’ll realize
    but it’ll be too late
    No need to compromise
    you had found the perfect mate

    Someone who would
    Follow your every rule
    Someone who would
    always agree with you
    I’m the one

    one of the good guys
    But I couldn’t wait

lyrics

Just A Fad (2020) :When I was In grad school I had a great idea for a song. The 60s were over; the idea that love was all you need was fading fast. It was starting to seem that love was just a fad. Great idea for a song! “Just a Fad”!

I wrote the song and sang it for my voice teacher. But he didn’t hear “just a fad,” he heard “justified” and therefore the lyrics made no sense. Everybody I sang it for heard “justified,” no matter how hard I try to enunciate. I couldn’t figure out how to save the song and so I abandoned it.

50 years later I was still feeling bad about this, so I wrote a new version, “Just—a—Fad.”

Ahren Buchheister: Acoustic Guitar, 12-string Guitar, Electric Bass
Seth Kibel: Flute
Noah Bein: Organ

    I’m afraid
    my favorite decade
    has turned to dust.
    How sad
    that love was just
    a fad.

“Love” with a big ‘L’
was too hard a sell.
Love my fellow man?
I don’t think I can.

    I’m afraid…

Once love ruled radio;
now life’s all quid pro quo.
Love my enemies?
Please.

    “Love” had a tilting ‘O’
    symbolizing—I don’t know—
    we’re falling
    we’re failing

    I’m afraid…

lyrics

Probabilities (2020) : Some people didn’t take Math 320, Theory of Probability. Some of them think things are black-and-white: masks aren’t perfect so they’re pointless; washing hands doesn’t kill every germ so why bother? They think the only probabilities are 0% and 100%.

So this song is a crash course on probability. Just kidding. It’s really about what to think when someone you love believes something crazy.

This is not a real song. But if the Beatles can put out something like “Why Don’t We Do It In the Road,” which is hardly a real song either, I can put this out.

I was taking piano lessons and learned the 6-9 chord. To fix the concept in my brain I decided to write a song with only 6-9 chords. This is it.

The words came from a nothing little poem I’d written recently about my fear of bugs. I’ve been trying to songs with fewer words. So, as an exercise, in this one I spread out the words. I like it a lot, but it’s not a real song.

Ahren Buchheister: Electric Guitar, Electric Bass, Piano, Claps, Tambourine
Nick Bertling: Drums

Think of every explanation,
    every possibility.


    Then assign your estimation
    of its probability.
    
    Add them up when you are done.
    Check your work; 
    you should get one.

So.
When your uncle says he saw a ghost,
or the Virgin Mary on a slice of toast,
what do you do?
Tell him to get a clue?
Examine him for some loose screw?
Reconsider your entire world view?

No.
Don’t go on a scientific warpath.
Don’t subject your family to a brutal bloodbath.
No feud.
Stay calm.
Don’t be rude.
No facepalm.
Use math!

    Think of every explanation…

Your uncle doesn’t seem
to think it was a dream but: point sixteen.

I’m really not inclined
to think he’s lost his mind but: point zero zero nine.
Although he is normally one good guy,
how likely your uncle would tell a lie? Point zero three.
It’s scary and fun 
and it might appeal but
how likely is it that ghosts are real? Point zero zero… none.
How likely your uncle could make
a dumb, but sincere, mistake? 
Point eight.

    Think of every explanation…

lyrics

Life is Unreal (2020) : Our psychedelic homage to The Beatles.

Lee Chapman, Ahren Buchheister, Rachel Woodward: vocals




lyrics

Light Switch (2020) : This is not a real song. But if the Beatles can put out something like “Why Don’t We Do It In the Road,” which is hardly a real song either, I can put this out.

I was taking piano lessons and learned the 6-9 chord. To fix the concept in my brain I decided to write a song with only 6-9 chords. This is it.

The words came from a nothing little poem I’d written recently about my fear of bugs. I’ve been trying to songs with fewer words. So, as an exercise, in this one I spread out the words. I like it a lot, but it’s not a real song.

You gotta be brave
or foolhardy
You gotta be brave
or just stupid
You gotta be brave

to touch a light switch
In the dark

there might be a spider 
sitting there

lyrics